Freshman Daniel Chronis died of natural causes at the age of 87 yesterday morning. Officials report that he was waiting in at the Pueblo West ER line when he died. He had been standing in line for 72 years.
On November 17th, 2010, Chronis entered the line in order to pick up his computer, which had suffered a physical drive error approximately three weeks earlier. Chronis spent the next 13 years awkwardly wondering if he should ask them, politely, to hurry up a bit, seeing as he had racked up approximately 13,559 tardies since beginning his wait.
Chronis began grumbling quietly to himself on December 8th, 2023. ER staffers continued to ignore him. Twenty one years later, at the age of 59, when Chronis began complaining loudly about his “Damned aching back,” they began shooting icy glares at him, but otherwise refused to acknowledge his existence.
The rest of Chronis’ life was reportedly spent in a deep, absolute silence, coupled with the “thousand yard stare” typical of combat soldiers suffering PTSD and combat shock. Experts speculate that Chronis was pondering nature of existence, deeply regretful of how he spent his life.
Three years before Chronis’ death, the PWHS Key Club volunteered to help trim the octogenarian’s beard, which was so voluminous that the nearby DECA store suffered a health code violation.
Eyewitnesses report that Chronis’ death was a slow, aching affair. His joints audibly creaked as he removed his backpack, lay down on the floor, and closed his eyes.
Shortly after Chronis’ death, ER staffer Trenton Phillis remarked, “Dude, did you ever sign in?”
Chronis is survived by his siblings, Charlie and Ella, who lived happy, fulfilling lives, and a Dell Latitude D630 with a fresh hard drive.
