Osama bin Laden Book Kidnapped, Possibly Dead

Navy SEAL Mark Bissonnette’s book, detailing the special operations raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, was reportedly kidnapped on a busy street today. This follows news from the Pentagon this afternoon that the book released details of classified information.

Le Shallot misconstrued or fabricated various comments as exclusive, lucrative material in order to prop up dipping readership numbers asked around for more details.

The kidnapping reportedly occurred at 4:00 EST today, on the bustling city street outside the apartment where the book, No Easy Time, has resided since it went public with its information late last month.

 
“This book, No Easy Time, was just minding his own business, chilling on a bench, right?” reported Dwayne, a poorly-dressed homeless man, “and then this black SUV pulls right up next to him. A bunch of guys in suits and sunglasses jump out, right? Some of them are all, ‘step away, please,’ and pushing us [pedestrians] away from the bench. Then two of them just reach down, grab the poor little book, and throw him in the back of the SUV.”

 
“Then they just peeled out into traffic,” confirms Susie Psahet. “They weren’t wasting time, either, because they totally ignored the bike lanes and ‘Stop at Crosswalk’ signs.”

 
According to Dude Corridge, a blogger who pursued the vehicle, the abductors stopped at a “government deep-cover center” (an abandoned strip mall) where the book was manhandled by the men and rushed into the building. “That’s where you go to die, man,” Corridge informed Le Shallot, “they beat you around a bit, yell at you about state secrets, and then give you the death juice.” (Corridge took this opportunity to emphatically mime injecting of the contents of a large syringe into his arm.) “It’s that, or a dark life in solitary at some unknown government facility, spending the rest of your days rotting away. Secluded and lonely, you die friendless.”

 
Aside from this cheery outlook, Le Shallot has not received any official confirmation or update about the status of No Easy Time as of yet, and efforts to question government representatives were unsurprisingly fruitless.

 
According to the Pentagon spokesman who breached the fact that the book contains classified information, “No comment.”
According to the CIA spokesperson responsible for announcing the Agency’s procedure breaches and incidents of domestic persecution, “No comment.”

 
According to an FBI agent responsible for blaming procedure breaches and incidents of domestic persecution on the CIA, “Oh, it was the CIA, no doubt. But that’s off the record. No comment. [Our correspondent here received two nudges and two winks from the agent.]”

 
According to the NSA spokesman responsible for the Instances of Wrongful Kidnappings and Government Infractions of Domestic Policy branch (IWKGIDP), “You can tell Gary over at the FBI to shut up about the CIA and start taking some responsibility for his buddies’ free-wheeling antics there at the Bureau. Geez. …But just put no comment.”

 
With government conspiracies abounding, questions about illegal imprisonment imminent, and no official word on the street as to the book’s status, Le Shallot can only guess that things will not end well for this little story.