‘Fiscal Cliff’: Obama brought a water balloon to a nuke fight

Standing on the observation deck on the House of Representatives, John Boehner smiles as a large howitzer, modified to launch tactical nuclear weapons over large distances, recedes under the retracting roof of the Capitol wing with a satisfying mechanical hum. Fire and smoke bellow in the distance as nuclear fallout plumes above what used to be the core of Obama’s liberal power center. “That,” says Boehner, “was The Counteroffer.”

It just got real, folks. The Republicans in the House of Representatives have made it clear that they’re not screwing around with this whole “budget” thing. They are playing for keeps, and they brought in the big guns on Monday with a counteroffer to the President’s budget plan that decimated Obama’s forward operational base, the White House.

“Obama’s budget ‘proposal’ was a pathetic failure,” Boehner stated to Le Shallot and other reporters in a press conference on Monday, following the launch of The Counteroffer. “Literally, he might as well have just run up to the side of our fortress—you know, the Capitol—and chucked a water balloon at us.” He chuckled to himself, recalling the moment. “I mean, it was as easy as wiping the rubber scraps off the window with a couple of squeegees and moving on with our response, Phase 4 of Operation Budget War. I think it is and will continue to be a clear success against the President’s laughable strategy, no matter how he tries it.”

Boehner also took this time to comment on the state of the House wing of the Capitol itself, which is in a state of armed conflict with the Senatorial wing. “Our barricades are holding,” he assured, “and our forces have established sniping points and minefields in the Capitol tunnels to neutralize any incoming traffic from the Senate that tries to circumvent primary defenses. The offensive launched in early November led to some pretty heated fighting, and we had a few casualties, but we are holding strong, with no signs of retreat or surrender talks. We are confident that the American people will be relieved to hear it.”

Following the launch of The Counteroffer (“TC”), Le Shallot managed to get in contact with what remains of the Obama Administration’s forward operations task force, which has retreated to a bunker in an undisclosed location to consider the ramifications of, and regroup from, The Counteroffer. The anonymous spokesperson who spoke with Le Shallot was tight-lipped about how damaging TC really was to the Obama strategy, and stated that the main staff “is now considering what this means for the American people, and how to respond moving forward.”

When asked about this response, Boehner quickly retorted: “Moving forward? More like retreating backwards. What this means for the American people is that the bastion of American freedom has spoken once again, and that armed with the values of our Founding Fathers, we will continue to protect our nation against the meddling attempts at sabotage by foreign interlopers.”