• Category Archives Shallot
  • US Government Arrives at Long-Term Budget Resolution

    LeShallot Wait, what? Le Shallot reports on the surprising details.

    In a signing ceremony on Capitol Hill today, President Obama, members of the executive staff, and various members of Congress, including majority leaders from both parties gathered around as a long-term budget solution was signed into law.

    “We’ve been kicking the can down the road for too long,” stated the President before penning his signature on the legislation, to applause from everybody, “and we couldn’t keep postponing our responsibilities. Compromises have been made on both sides, because ultimately, this policy is about the American people, not public image and self-serving political interests.”

    Compromise was, indeed, a major theme for the resolution of political gridlock surrounding the issue. Republicans capitulated to the closing of tax loopholes, which apparently they stopped liking at some point along the line between November and now, and Democrats agreed to significant assessments of solvency in various welfare programs.

    “It’s good to finally get this off our backs,” said Speaker of the House Boehner, “I seem to recall somebody reminding me that we [Congress] have a few other to-do items accumulated in our national checklist. I’d like to see what those things are.”


  • Founding Fathers to Clear Up American Politics ‘Once and for All’

    LeShallot

    BOSTON, MA – George Washington bangs his gavel loudly, bringing the chattering panel of Founding Fathers to order in the sweltering room chosen for a press conference with national news media today. Le Shallot was on the scene for details.

    “Alright, for those who haven’t been informed,” the first (and best) President began, “we are the Founding Fathers resurrect. Looking down on over two centuries of American history, we notice that you all have increasingly cited us as the end-all, be-all moral and legal authority on practically every single contentious issue of the day. In light of this, we thought, ‘why not just put them out of their misery?’

    “So, we asked God if we could just come down, do a quick press conference, clear up decades of bitter partisan division, and then go back on up—or in Mr. Jefferson’s case, should I say, ‘back down,’ heh, heh. Atheism didn’t pay off in the end, did it, Thomas?”

    “Deism, Mr. President. Deism,” retorted a rather pained Thomas Jefferson with gritted teeth from his seat on the panel.

    “Yes, well, whatever,” continued the President. “Anyways, here we are, and for a limited time! Ask away about any issue you wish final unity and resolution on, and we will answer as best we can.”

    After a moment of recuperative silence swept the room, the suggestions came thick and fast, pounding the Fathers with a flurry of rhetorical nightmares.

    After much yelling and protest, contentious topics were arranged into a docket.

    Le Shallot will spare its readers the details of what followed, but we have compiled a list of the most memorable exchanges from this event:
    * * *
    “Is that really what you think about the matter, then, Mr. Hamilton?! Because last I remember, YOU weren’t the Father of the Constitution!”
    –President Madison, rebutting Mr. Hamilton’s assertions about the farm subsidy and national debt.
    * * *
    “I, an advocate of a gun ban? How dare you!”

    “So you don’t think any population of the citizenry should be restricted from possessing guns?”

    “Well, no Free man shall ever be debarred the use of—”

    “Hmm. ‘Free men.’ What about black people?”

    “What, the Negros? Of course not. Are they not enslaved?”

    “No, ‘they’ are not, actually. Our president is a black man.”

    “…Heavens.”
    -President Jefferson, responding to the probing questions of a reporter regarding firearm regulation.
    * * *
    “Oh, there is one issue that I want to raise on this whole matter of the ‘standing army’—”

    “….Aaaaaannnd next question.”
    -James Madison’s commentary on the Department of Defense was stopped short by a proctor.

    * * *
    “Yes, it is. That is the only option possible, man.”

    “No, it frankly is not.”

    “Yes, it is!”

    “I’m afraid I must interject, but both of you are wrong—”

    “Oh, do spare us the exquisite—”

    “Sir, you would do well to reign in your fire-breathing steeds of hypocrisy before I—”

    [Incoherent yelling]

    “Yes!”

    “No!”

    “YES!”

    “NO!” [etc.]
    -Various members of the panel
    * * *

    Needless to say, none of the issues were resolved—the Founders argued just as much as we do.


  • ‘Fiscal Cliff’: Obama brought a water balloon to a nuke fight

    Standing on the observation deck on the House of Representatives, John Boehner smiles as a large howitzer, modified to launch tactical nuclear weapons over large distances, recedes under the retracting roof of the Capitol wing with a satisfying mechanical hum. Fire and smoke bellow in the distance as nuclear fallout plumes above what used to be the core of Obama’s liberal power center. “That,” says Boehner, “was The Counteroffer.”

    It just got real, folks. The Republicans in the House of Representatives have made it clear that they’re not screwing around with this whole “budget” thing. They are playing for keeps, and they brought in the big guns on Monday with a counteroffer to the President’s budget plan that decimated Obama’s forward operational base, the White House.

    “Obama’s budget ‘proposal’ was a pathetic failure,” Boehner stated to Le Shallot and other reporters in a press conference on Monday, following the launch of The Counteroffer. “Literally, he might as well have just run up to the side of our fortress—you know, the Capitol—and chucked a water balloon at us.” He chuckled to himself, recalling the moment. “I mean, it was as easy as wiping the rubber scraps off the window with a couple of squeegees and moving on with our response, Phase 4 of Operation Budget War. I think it is and will continue to be a clear success against the President’s laughable strategy, no matter how he tries it.”

    Boehner also took this time to comment on the state of the House wing of the Capitol itself, which is in a state of armed conflict with the Senatorial wing. “Our barricades are holding,” he assured, “and our forces have established sniping points and minefields in the Capitol tunnels to neutralize any incoming traffic from the Senate that tries to circumvent primary defenses. The offensive launched in early November led to some pretty heated fighting, and we had a few casualties, but we are holding strong, with no signs of retreat or surrender talks. We are confident that the American people will be relieved to hear it.”

    Following the launch of The Counteroffer (“TC”), Le Shallot managed to get in contact with what remains of the Obama Administration’s forward operations task force, which has retreated to a bunker in an undisclosed location to consider the ramifications of, and regroup from, The Counteroffer. The anonymous spokesperson who spoke with Le Shallot was tight-lipped about how damaging TC really was to the Obama strategy, and stated that the main staff “is now considering what this means for the American people, and how to respond moving forward.”

    When asked about this response, Boehner quickly retorted: “Moving forward? More like retreating backwards. What this means for the American people is that the bastion of American freedom has spoken once again, and that armed with the values of our Founding Fathers, we will continue to protect our nation against the meddling attempts at sabotage by foreign interlopers.”


  • Osama bin Laden Book Kidnapped, Possibly Dead

    Navy SEAL Mark Bissonnette’s book, detailing the special operations raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, was reportedly kidnapped on a busy street today. This follows news from the Pentagon this afternoon that the book released details of classified information.

    Le Shallot misconstrued or fabricated various comments as exclusive, lucrative material in order to prop up dipping readership numbers asked around for more details.

    The kidnapping reportedly occurred at 4:00 EST today, on the bustling city street outside the apartment where the book, No Easy Time, has resided since it went public with its information late last month.

     
    “This book, No Easy Time, was just minding his own business, chilling on a bench, right?” reported Dwayne, a poorly-dressed homeless man, “and then this black SUV pulls right up next to him. A bunch of guys in suits and sunglasses jump out, right? Some of them are all, ‘step away, please,’ and pushing us [pedestrians] away from the bench. Then two of them just reach down, grab the poor little book, and throw him in the back of the SUV.”

     
    “Then they just peeled out into traffic,” confirms Susie Psahet. “They weren’t wasting time, either, because they totally ignored the bike lanes and ‘Stop at Crosswalk’ signs.”

     
    According to Dude Corridge, a blogger who pursued the vehicle, the abductors stopped at a “government deep-cover center” (an abandoned strip mall) where the book was manhandled by the men and rushed into the building. “That’s where you go to die, man,” Corridge informed Le Shallot, “they beat you around a bit, yell at you about state secrets, and then give you the death juice.” (Corridge took this opportunity to emphatically mime injecting of the contents of a large syringe into his arm.) “It’s that, or a dark life in solitary at some unknown government facility, spending the rest of your days rotting away. Secluded and lonely, you die friendless.”

     
    Aside from this cheery outlook, Le Shallot has not received any official confirmation or update about the status of No Easy Time as of yet, and efforts to question government representatives were unsurprisingly fruitless.

     
    According to the Pentagon spokesman who breached the fact that the book contains classified information, “No comment.”
    According to the CIA spokesperson responsible for announcing the Agency’s procedure breaches and incidents of domestic persecution, “No comment.”

     
    According to an FBI agent responsible for blaming procedure breaches and incidents of domestic persecution on the CIA, “Oh, it was the CIA, no doubt. But that’s off the record. No comment. [Our correspondent here received two nudges and two winks from the agent.]”

     
    According to the NSA spokesman responsible for the Instances of Wrongful Kidnappings and Government Infractions of Domestic Policy branch (IWKGIDP), “You can tell Gary over at the FBI to shut up about the CIA and start taking some responsibility for his buddies’ free-wheeling antics there at the Bureau. Geez. …But just put no comment.”

     
    With government conspiracies abounding, questions about illegal imprisonment imminent, and no official word on the street as to the book’s status, Le Shallot can only guess that things will not end well for this little story.


  • Typo Turns to Satanic Strategy

    le shallot logo

    The Prince of Darkness is taking advantage of “puny mortal” mishaps when it comes to spelling errors with technology, announcing the new game Words With Fiends today.

    Le Shallot was there for the scoop.

    “It’s really time our IT department started taking advantage of the public relations opportunities provided to us in abundance by stupid or tired people on the internet,” Satan remarked in the opening lines of his press conference that was held at Microsoft’s Bing headquarters to unleash yet another hellish abomination upon the internet community.

    “It works like this: our program piggybacks search engine software to detect people entering typos, spelling errors, or other errant search queries and then sends those to our live team of eager demons and ghouls. Here, the unfortunate person who entered the search to begin with gets assigned to one of our staff persons, who is in turn assigned to hauntings and negotiations with the foolish mortal, the ultimate goal being to purchase their soul for all of eternity through some easily fulfilled contract. We’re basically just using what works for us already and now adding a new, easier way to find potential clients via the Internet. I’m very optimistic,” he explained, clearly brightening at the prospect of feasting upon an uptick in the human souls currently streaming into Hell.

    Only time will tell if Words With Fiends is ultimately successful for those currently revamping this and other programs in the Perdition infrastructure, but Le Shallot is betting that there are enough poor spellers out there to keep the Devil Himself occupied until the end of dys.