BOSTON, MA – George Washington bangs his gavel loudly, bringing the chattering panel of Founding Fathers to order in the sweltering room chosen for a press conference with national news media today. Le Shallot was on the scene for details.
“Alright, for those who haven’t been informed,” the first (and best) President began, “we are the Founding Fathers resurrect. Looking down on over two centuries of American history, we notice that you all have increasingly cited us as the end-all, be-all moral and legal authority on practically every single contentious issue of the day. In light of this, we thought, ‘why not just put them out of their misery?’
“So, we asked God if we could just come down, do a quick press conference, clear up decades of bitter partisan division, and then go back on up—or in Mr. Jefferson’s case, should I say, ‘back down,’ heh, heh. Atheism didn’t pay off in the end, did it, Thomas?”
“Deism, Mr. President. Deism,” retorted a rather pained Thomas Jefferson with gritted teeth from his seat on the panel.
“Yes, well, whatever,” continued the President. “Anyways, here we are, and for a limited time! Ask away about any issue you wish final unity and resolution on, and we will answer as best we can.”
After a moment of recuperative silence swept the room, the suggestions came thick and fast, pounding the Fathers with a flurry of rhetorical nightmares.
After much yelling and protest, contentious topics were arranged into a docket.
Le Shallot will spare its readers the details of what followed, but we have compiled a list of the most memorable exchanges from this event:
* * *
“Is that really what you think about the matter, then, Mr. Hamilton?! Because last I remember, YOU weren’t the Father of the Constitution!”
–President Madison, rebutting Mr. Hamilton’s assertions about the farm subsidy and national debt.
* * *
“I, an advocate of a gun ban? How dare you!”
“So you don’t think any population of the citizenry should be restricted from possessing guns?”
“Well, no Free man shall ever be debarred the use of—”
“Hmm. ‘Free men.’ What about black people?”
“What, the Negros? Of course not. Are they not enslaved?”
“No, ‘they’ are not, actually. Our president is a black man.”
-President Jefferson, responding to the probing questions of a reporter regarding firearm regulation.
* * *
“Oh, there is one issue that I want to raise on this whole matter of the ‘standing army’—”
“….Aaaaaannnd next question.”
-James Madison’s commentary on the Department of Defense was stopped short by a proctor.
* * *
“Yes, it is. That is the only option possible, man.”
“No, it frankly is not.”
“Yes, it is!”
“I’m afraid I must interject, but both of you are wrong—”
“Oh, do spare us the exquisite—”
“Sir, you would do well to reign in your fire-breathing steeds of hypocrisy before I—”
-Various members of the panel
* * *
Needless to say, none of the issues were resolved—the Founders argued just as much as we do.