“Oh, wait, the elections were yesterday?” inquired Charles Stalhammer from his San Diego, California couch on November 3rd. Yes, Charles, the elections were yesterday. And no, not enough people voted for Proposition 19. And yes, that means marijuana is still illegal in the state of California. Experts speculate that the proposition failed because of the short-term memory issues typical among cannabis users. Exit polls found that less than 1 percent of voters admitted to using cannabis regularly, as opposed to an estimated 11 percent of tokers present among the general population. Atmospheric samples taken in California on Election Day indicate that THC (the active ingredient in marijuana smoke) levels were at their highest this year since April 20th. Preliminary analysis indicates that the many would-be voters who lit up in celebration of Proposition 19 never made it to the polls. This hypothesis is supported by the sharp increase in the Read the Rest »
High School Business Club Adds Embezzlement Course to Curriculum
The Youth Finance and Business (YFAB) Chapter at Pueblo West High School is expanding its curriculum for the upcoming semester. Adult Advisor Jeffrey Lancaster, who has been sponsoring the club at Pueblo West High for 12 years, says the new lesson plans focus on “Teaching our students proper [embezzlement] technique, which includes things like manipulation of inventory systems, fudging reconciliation sheets, and ultimately not getting caught.” “We’re starting with very simple strategies,” Lancaster continued “We don’t use a register in our [YFAB Student] store, just a cash bag, so basically as long as our students aren’t caught on tape, they can embezzle three to five bucks per shift very easily.” Lancaster explained that a quick-fingered thief can palm small amounts of cash under the pretense of retrieving change for a customer. Later in the year though, the club will be purchasing a register that the students will have to circumvent Read the Rest »
Jesus Really Doesn’t Expect Anyone to Remember His Birthday This Year
“I really don’t care if anyone remembers my birthday this year,” Jesus grumpily told le Shallot. “It’s not like it’s a big deal.” Friends of Jesus report that His mood changes noticeably after Thanksgiving and generally does not improve until mid-January. “He always gets quiet around this time,” says Moses “I mean, no one’s told him happy birthday in the last hundred years.” “I guess there’re just more important things going on during the holiday season,” the son of God grumbled. “Black Friday, Cyber Monday,” he elaborated, “All these great deals can be very distracting to mortals.” Jesus believes that the problem lies with “This Santa Claus character.” “I mean sure, I’ve never handed out Xboxes at church, but do you have any idea how painful a crucifixion is? Has Santa Claus ever died for anyone’s sins? The only sacrifice he ever makes is a late night on Christmas Eve. Read the Rest »
Student Dies of Old Age in ER Line
Freshman Daniel Chronis died of natural causes at the age of 87 yesterday morning. Officials report that he was waiting in at the Pueblo West ER line when he died. He had been standing in line for 72 years. On November 17th, 2010, Chronis entered the line in order to pick up his computer, which had suffered a physical drive error approximately three weeks earlier. Chronis spent the next 13 years awkwardly wondering if he should ask them, politely, to hurry up a bit, seeing as he had racked up approximately 13,559 tardies since beginning his wait. Chronis began grumbling quietly to himself on December 8th, 2023. ER staffers continued to ignore him. Twenty one years later, at the age of 59, when Chronis began complaining loudly about his “Damned aching back,” they began shooting icy glares at him, but otherwise refused to acknowledge his existence. The rest of Chronis’ Read the Rest »
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