Witnesses report that an area man, identified as Jon Louder, was himself ‘canceled’ at the mercy of his own headset at 9:23 am this morning as he was commuting on foot. He was reportedly wearing a high-end pair of popular headphones capable of eradicating all background noises when he stepped into a busy intersection.
Le Shallot was on the scene for the details.
“He was just totally oblivious to everything that was happening around him,” eyewitness Pete O’Brien said, “he seemed really confident and happy, bobbing his head to the music and such, but he just walked right out into traffic and got absolutely clobbered by an oncoming bus.”
Other witnesses were able to confirm the details. “He didn’t break stride all the way into this intersection, despite all the honking and yelling,” reported local resident Linda McBride, “he even managed to ignore the high-speed police chase that ended in a massive explosion just down the street from here.”
When the medics arrived on the scene to retrieve Mr. Louder from the pavement and from under the bus, they quickly pronounced him dead and then identified the audiophile as a 27-year-old resident of a nearby apartment complex.
“Well, if anything good comes of this, it’s that I’ve really been looking for a good pair of these for some time now,” exclaimed the medic who wrestled Louder’s still-pulsing headphones away from the remains.
The area was blocked off soon after upon the arrival of the police, who ushered the shaken bus passengers and driver to a safe distance. Our Le Shallot correspondent and other reporters were instructed to “scram, you filth-sucking scum of humanity,” and to “have some dignity!”
When we asked Rhythm, Inc.—the manufacturer of Mr. Louder’s headphones—about the incident, their spokesman stated, “Well, I think this really speaks to not only the high quality of our products but also the above-and-beyond level of durability they afford our customers. I mean, not every noise-canceling line of over-ear headphones in this price range could survive a hit from a bus, I’ll tell you that much.”