• Category Archives Shallot
  • Man Killed While Wearing Noise-Canceling Headphones

    Witnesses report that an area man, identified as Jon Louder, was himself ‘canceled’ at the mercy of his own headset at 9:23 am this morning as he was commuting on foot. He was reportedly wearing a high-end pair of popular headphones capable of eradicating all background noises when he stepped into a busy intersection.

    Le Shallot was on the scene for the details.

    “He was just totally oblivious to everything that was happening around him,” eyewitness Pete O’Brien said, “he seemed really confident and happy, bobbing his head to the music and such, but he just walked right out into traffic and got absolutely clobbered by an oncoming bus.”

    Other witnesses were able to confirm the details. “He didn’t break stride all the way into this intersection, despite all the honking and yelling,” reported local resident Linda McBride, “he even managed to ignore the high-speed police chase that ended in a massive explosion just down the street from here.”

    When the medics arrived on the scene to retrieve Mr. Louder from the pavement and from under the bus, they quickly pronounced him dead and then identified the audiophile as a 27-year-old resident of a nearby apartment complex.

    “Well, if anything good comes of this, it’s that I’ve really been looking for a good pair of these for some time now,” exclaimed the medic who wrestled Louder’s still-pulsing headphones away from the remains.

    The area was blocked off soon after upon the arrival of the police, who ushered the shaken bus passengers and driver to a safe distance. Our Le Shallot correspondent and other reporters were instructed to “scram, you filth-sucking scum of humanity,” and to “have some dignity!”

    When we asked Rhythm, Inc.—the manufacturer of Mr. Louder’s headphones—about the incident, their spokesman stated, “Well, I think this really speaks to not only the high quality of our products but also the above-and-beyond level of durability they afford our customers. I mean, not every noise-canceling line of over-ear headphones in this price range could survive a hit from a bus, I’ll tell you that much.”


  • Stoners Forgot to Vote for Proposition 19

    “Oh, wait, the elections were yesterday?” inquired Charles Stalhammer from his San Diego, California couch on November 3rd.

    Yes, Charles, the elections were yesterday. And no, not enough people voted for Proposition 19. And yes, that means marijuana is still illegal in the state of California.

    Experts speculate that the proposition failed because of the short-term memory issues typical among cannabis users. Exit polls found that less than 1 percent of voters admitted to using cannabis regularly, as opposed to an estimated 11 percent of tokers present among the general population.

    Atmospheric samples taken in California on Election Day indicate that THC (the active ingredient in marijuana smoke) levels were at their highest this year since April 20th. Preliminary analysis indicates that the many would-be voters who lit up in celebration of Proposition 19 never made it to the polls. This hypothesis is supported by the sharp increase in the sale of Cheetos and Arizona Sweet Tea across the state.

    “I guess it sucks that weed’s not legal yet,” Stalhammer told le Shallot, “I mean, it’s just like alcohol prohibition. It’s unjust and the entire nation could benefit not only from the tax revenue, but the fact that drug cartels would lose their biggest source of funding.”

    At this point, Stalhammer eyed the intricate bong resting on his coffee table. “Do you mind?” he intoned sheepishly before sucking down a large quantity of milky-white smoke. As he exhaled, his posture slackened, and seemed to melt into the contours of his couch.

    “Whatever though. I’ll keep smoking anyway,” he continued from the recesses of his furniture lair. “I’ve got what, like three weeks of unemployment left? Yeah, I’m good.” Our interview was cut short by the microwave timer, signaling that his pepperoni pizza hot pockets were done.

    “Oh, wait, the elections were yesterday?” inquired Charles Stalhammer from his San Diego, California couch on November 3rd.

                    Yes, Charles, the elections were yesterday. And no, not enough people voted for Proposition 19. And yes, that means marijuana is still illegal in the state of California.

                    Experts speculate that the proposition failed because of the short-term memory issues typical among cannabis users. Exit polls found that less than 1 percent of voters admitted to using cannabis regularly, as opposed to an estimated 11 percent of tokers present among the general population.

                    Atmospheric samples taken in California on Election Day indicate that THC (the active ingredient in marijuana smoke) levels were at their highest this year since April 20th. Preliminary analysis indicates that the many would-be voters who lit up in celebration of Proposition 19 never made it to the polls. This hypothesis is supported by the sharp increase in the sale of Cheetos and Arizona Sweet Tea across the state.

                    “I guess it sucks that weed’s not legal yet,” Stalhammer told le Shallot, “I mean, it’s just like alcohol prohibition. It’s unjust and the entire nation could benefit not only from the tax revenue, but the fact that drug cartels would lose their biggest source of funding.”

                    At this point, Stalhammer eyed the intricate bong resting on his coffee table. “Do you mind?” he intoned sheepishly before sucking down a large quantity of milky-white smoke. As he exhaled, his posture slackened, and seemed to melt into the contours of his couch.

                    “Whatever though. I’ll keep smoking anyway,” he continued from the recesses of his furniture lair. “I’ve got what, like three weeks of unemployment left? Yeah, I’m good.” Our interview was cut short by the microwave timer, signaling that his pepperoni pizza hot pockets were done.


  • High School Business Club Adds Embezzlement Course to Curriculum

    The Youth Finance and Business (YFAB) Chapter at Pueblo West High School is expanding its curriculum for the upcoming semester. Adult Advisor Jeffrey Lancaster, who has been sponsoring the club at Pueblo West High for 12 years, says the new lesson plans focus on “Teaching our students proper [embezzlement] technique, which includes things like manipulation of inventory systems, fudging reconciliation sheets, and ultimately not getting caught.”

    “We’re starting with very simple strategies,” Lancaster continued “We don’t use a register in our [YFAB Student] store, just a cash bag, so basically as long as our students aren’t caught on tape, they can embezzle three to five bucks per shift very easily.”

    Lancaster explained that a quick-fingered thief can palm small amounts of cash under the pretense of retrieving change for a customer. Later in the year though, the club will be purchasing a register that the students will have to circumvent in order to embezzle effectively.

    Students will have to couple the techniques they learned earlier in the semester with brand new ones. “In order to steal from a register,” says Lancaster, “You need to have a customer at the counter and say, if the transaction is for three dollars and they give you a five [dollar bill], you ring it up as they gave you a ten [dollar bill], give them back two bucks and pocket the rest.”

    “This is more difficult,” Lancaster told le Shallot. “Since the balance of the drawer is tracked by the ticker tape, you have to basically pawn off the responsibility on someone else, which is where we ramp up our curriculum and start teaching them about plausible deniability.”

    Lancaster stresses that the while embezzling is not that difficult, embezzling properly (i.e. not getting caught) can be very tricky. “I basically tell [my students], ‘This business is a very cutthroat world. It’s you or [your competitors.’”

    “I want them to be the best.”

    The course will be rounded out with a comprehensive applied final. Students will be given a certain amount of time in the YFAB store and required to steal as much cash and inventory as possible. Students that fail (by getting caught) will be required to complete “Friday School.”

    The curriculum is modeled after current “Big Business” practices.

    YFAB students are excited about the course. Senior Brendan Thomas, who will be among the first students to enroll, says “I’ve been doing this kind of thing for a while, but to have it taught by my teachers, and learn the proper, correct way to do things is very cool.”

    Parents of students are also appreciative of the new curriculum.

    Lisa Compton, whose daughter Nelli will be taking the class next semester says “It’s very important that our children, especially in this tough economy, have the opportunity to learn ways to [she laughs] pad their pockets, so to speak”


  • Jesus Really Doesn’t Expect Anyone to Remember His Birthday This Year

    “I really don’t care if anyone remembers my birthday this year,” Jesus grumpily told le Shallot. “It’s not like it’s a big deal.”

    Friends of Jesus report that His mood changes noticeably after Thanksgiving and generally does not improve until mid-January. “He always gets quiet around this time,” says Moses “I mean, no one’s told him happy birthday in the last hundred years.”

    “I guess there’re just more important things going on during the holiday season,” the son of God grumbled. “Black Friday, Cyber Monday,” he elaborated, “All these great deals can be very distracting to mortals.”

    Jesus believes that the problem lies with “This Santa Claus character.”

    “I mean sure, I’ve never handed out Xboxes at church, but do you have any idea how painful a crucifixion is? Has Santa Claus ever died for anyone’s sins? The only sacrifice he ever makes is a late night on Christmas Eve. And I’m sure that magic sleigh runs up quite the fuel bill,” he concluded sarcastically.

    The Christian man-deity is understandably miffed. His first birthday gifts included gold, silver, frankincense and myrrh.

    The Holy Ghost offers a solution. “Maybe if the guy made an appearance more than once every two thousand years he’d be higher on peoples’ to-do list. A little miracle goes a long way.” The metaphysical, pandimensional spirit-construct shrugged. “Just saying.”

    The third part of the Holy Trinity was unavailable for comment, but His secretary told le Shallot that He and His son will probably spend the special day planning out The Rapture and shooting lightning bolts at sinners “To keep his mind off things.”


  • Student Dies of Old Age in ER Line

    Freshman Daniel Chronis died of natural causes at the age of 87 yesterday morning. Officials report that he was waiting in at the Pueblo West ER line when he died. He had been standing in line for 72 years.

    On November 17th, 2010, Chronis entered the line in order to pick up his computer, which had suffered a physical drive error approximately three weeks earlier. Chronis spent the next 13 years awkwardly wondering if he should ask them, politely, to hurry up a bit, seeing as he had racked up approximately 13,559 tardies since beginning his wait.

    Chronis began grumbling quietly to himself on December 8th, 2023. ER staffers continued to ignore him. Twenty one years later, at the age of 59, when Chronis began complaining loudly about his “Damned aching back,” they began shooting icy glares at him, but otherwise refused to acknowledge his existence.

    The rest of Chronis’ life was reportedly spent in a deep, absolute silence, coupled with the “thousand yard stare” typical of combat soldiers suffering PTSD and combat shock. Experts speculate that Chronis was pondering nature of existence, deeply regretful of how he spent his life.

    Three years before Chronis’ death, the PWHS Key Club volunteered to help trim the octogenarian’s beard, which was so voluminous that the nearby DECA store suffered a health code violation.

    Eyewitnesses report that Chronis’ death was a slow, aching affair. His joints audibly creaked as he removed his backpack, lay down on the floor, and closed his eyes.

    Shortly after Chronis’ death, ER staffer Trenton Phillis remarked, “Dude, did you ever sign in?”

    Chronis is survived by his siblings, Charlie and Ella, who lived happy, fulfilling lives, and a Dell Latitude D630 with a fresh hard drive.