The CyChron

“I really don’t care if anyone remembers my birthday this year,” Jesus grumpily told le Shallot. “It’s not like it’s a big deal.”

Friends of Jesus report that His mood changes noticeably after Thanksgiving and generally does not improve until mid-January. “He always gets quiet around this time,” says Moses “I mean, no one’s told him happy birthday in the last hundred years.”

“I guess there’re just more important things going on during the holiday season,” the son of God grumbled. “Black Friday, Cyber Monday,” he elaborated, “All these great deals can be very distracting to mortals.”

Jesus believes that the problem lies with “This Santa Claus character.”

“I mean sure, I’ve never handed out Xboxes at church, but do you have any idea how painful a crucifixion is? Has Santa Claus ever died for anyone’s sins? The only sacrifice he ever makes is a late night on Christmas Eve. And I’m sure that magic sleigh runs up quite the fuel bill,” he concluded sarcastically.

The Christian man-deity is understandably miffed. His first birthday gifts included gold, silver, frankincense and myrrh.

The Holy Ghost offers a solution. “Maybe if the guy made an appearance more than once every two thousand years he’d be higher on peoples’ to-do list. A little miracle goes a long way.” The metaphysical, pandimensional spirit-construct shrugged. “Just saying.”

The third part of the Holy Trinity was unavailable for comment, but His secretary told le Shallot that He and His son will probably spend the special day planning out The Rapture and shooting lightning bolts at sinners “To keep his mind off things.”

Freshman Daniel Chronis died of natural causes at the age of 87 yesterday morning. Officials report that he was waiting in at the Pueblo West ER line when he died. He had been standing in line for 72 years.

On November 17^th, 2010, Chronis entered the line in order to pick up his computer, which had suffered a physical drive error approximately three weeks earlier. Chronis spent the next 13 years awkwardly wondering if he should ask them, politely, to hurry up a bit, seeing as he had racked up approximately 13,559 tardies since beginning his wait.

Chronis began grumbling quietly to himself on December 8^th, 2023. ER staffers continued to ignore him. Twenty one years later, at the age of 59, when Chronis began complaining loudly about his “Damned aching back,” they began shooting icy glares at him, but otherwise refused to acknowledge his existence.

The rest of Chronis’ life was reportedly spent in a deep, absolute silence, coupled with the “thousand yard stare” typical of combat soldiers suffering PTSD and combat shock. Experts speculate that Chronis was pondering nature of existence, deeply regretful of how he spent his life.

Three years before Chronis’ death, the PWHS Key Club volunteered to help trim the octogenarian’s beard, which was so voluminous that the nearby DECA store suffered a health code violation.

Eyewitnesses report that Chronis’ death was a slow, aching affair. His joints audibly creaked as he removed his backpack, lay down on the floor, and closed his eyes.

Shortly after Chronis’ death, ER staffer Trenton Phillis remarked, “Dude, did you ever sign in?”

Chronis is survived by his siblings, Charlie and Ella, who lived happy, fulfilling lives, and a Dell Latitude D630 with a fresh hard drive.